TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of place. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have An additional put the place American Males can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present All people a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should really stop using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Room, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not simply ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is currently attracting awareness from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge in which my PTSD may have flip-down services."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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